I Never Meant to Start A War
by Her Name Is Erika
Summary: We're ashes on the ground. / Or, Jenna Rayburn stuck between past and future. StitchJenna angst.


**I Never Meant to Start A War  
show:** Young and the Restless  
**central character(s):** Jenna Kieran, Ben "Stitch" Rayburn  
**summary:** We're ashes on the ground. / Or, Jenna Rayburn stuck between past and future. StitchJenna angst. AU.  
**notes:** I am very intrigued by Stitch's past, and by extension, Jenna, his ex-wife. I find myself pondering just who this woman is and what she is about. And then I hear that the show is casting her. If this is not a freaky coincidence than I don't know what is.  
**notes2: **I decided to make this AU (alternate universe) because I aged Max up when I hadn't realized that his age had been established on the show. So, rather than age him down to Max's age on the show, this piece is just something that strays away from the show's canon. Go with it.  
**disclaimer:** Nope. This character isn't mine, but her backstory and characterization is. All other characters not recognizable are my brain children. I don't own _Sing You Home_ either. I don't know if Sing You Home is a movie currently, but here, it is, and Jenna is connected to it. So, yeah, no – not mine. Hold the lawsuits, please.  
**Musical Inspiration:** "Wrecking Ball" – Miley Cyrus. Seriously, listen to this specific song while reading. I wrote it to this song and I was able get this character's feelings out.

* * *

Bad is not even the word to describe it. It's almost like heading toward a literal highway to hell.

Give Jenna a script, directors, a set and other actors and she will know how to handle it as her life goes to shit. This is real life, and there is no director to yell, "action" when her hell stops being too real for her to take. All she is left doing is looking at this man and wondering if she has been sleeping with a stranger because her Ben – the kind, funny, gentle and sweet soul she married, the daddy Max adores so much he thinks he's a superhero – is not the man they are describing. Her Ben isn't this person and Jenna refuses to believe otherwise.

To be an actor, Jenna believes, a person has to be something of an excellent liar. Scratch that. A person has to be the best at the lying game.

Ben is a horrible liar. He's not good at it and when he attempts it, Jenna knows because he has this tendency to not look her directly in the eyes or avert them altogether. That's why he's not an actor and he's an army medic and a doctor. This is what has her normally easy-going husband jumpy. This is why Ben tosses back and forth in bed and has nightmares he doesn't want to tell her. He doesn't want to tell her, so all Jenna can do is love him and ignoring the internal questioning.

So, it's true. It's true what Kelly tells her, what Kelly feels she needs to know about her husband.

::

"You miserable bitch."

"Excuse me?"

Jenna laughs bitterly, "One accidental kiss with Dean and you feel the need to unburden yourself with this deep secret and tear my house to shreds because yours has gone to shit."

"I came here because you had a right to know. You had the right to know who you were married to – the man you were sleeping with!" Kelly snaps with a glare. "Did you want to live blissfully ignorant and – "

"Yes. Exactly, Kel! Let me live blissfully ignorant. Let me make my own mistake!"

"I'm sorry I care about you, Jen. I – "

"Tell me you did this because you care about me and my well-being again, and I will slap you!" Jenna threatens, cutting her off roughly. It's not a fictional cat-fight between actresses on a fake set. It's real. Her life has been turned upside down and Jenna doesn't know what to do with it. Max is at a sleepover and Ben just gets home and is out getting them dinner from that Chinese restaurant they both love. Jenna has no appetite and she's sick to her stomach. It's supposed to be a romantic dinner to celebrate Jenna signing on for a movie and Ben finally finishing med school and getting a residency in a place called Genoa City. She thinks it will be a nice place to raise Max in. Jenna is even considering taking a break from her acting and modeling to slip more into the role of wife and mother and she is looking forward to a fresh start, but now, that seems like lifetimes ago. Her rage is the only thing not causing her to be hunched over a toilet bowl. Tears pool in her hazel eyes. Her voice breaks, remembering having to explain to Max why his friend is gone and not coming back. "I'm sorry, you lost Sam. I can't even begin to tell you, but Ben didn't do this – he wouldn't do this to me. Or, Max. He loves us too much."

The certainty in Kelly's eyes is what enrages Jenna the most, because that means her life is a lie. Jokes on her, right? It had to be since Jenna makes a career being in the thick of lies and make-believe.

"Jenna," Kelly reaches out to touch her bare shoulder. "I know it's hard – "

"Are you deaf? I said, Ben didn't do this!" Jenna screams and pulls away like Kelly's touch burns, her heart tapping a quick staccato beat in her chest. "My husband was in Afghanistan serving this country & I was terrified I would have to wear a little black dress and look at my husband as he lay in a flag-draped casket! He came home. To me and Max. Ben came home – to his parents, brother, his sister. He's home," Jenna steadies her breathing, and her eyes flash angrily in Kelly's direction, tone deathly calm. "For me to believe Ben did this, means I lose my family. No… He didn't."

"I know Ben – I'm sorry, but I do. And I know you! You're my kid sister. Why else would I come here if I genuinely didn't care?"

"Really? You want to play the sister card! Meredith is our sister, and she wouldn't hurt me like this!"

"Sorry you feel that way because I'm protecting you. Meredith doesn't know."

"Okay, _sis. _Let's take it there – Dean kissed me," Jenna reveals. She has hit a nerve because of the subtle change in Kelly's face. "Your husband didn't tell you that happened? He was vulnerable and sad because Max reminded him of Sam. Your husband made a move on me! He was apologetic but it happened! Go deal with that truth, and get the hell out of my house!"

Kelly's way-too-close relationship with Ben, even as being in-laws, already grates against Jenna's nerves and it takes all of her acting ability to grin and bear it. Some days, Ben is himself and other days, he's short with her and she doesn't quite know why. Jenna is sympathetic to the tragic way Sam dies because she would die if it is her son that dies and because Max and Sam are friends. More than that, they are cousins. Sam is a year older – seven, while Max is five and a half, about to be six. Explaining death to a child that young is heartbreaking. But tonight, Jenna's sympathy runs dry. Maybe it makes Jenna a hateful person tearing into a bereaved parent, her own flesh and blood, like this, but she does not care. She cares about the wasteland that is her home and what will be next.

"Goodnight, Jenna."

When the door closes, Jenna sobs. The sad part is Kelly is right. She's…right.

::

Jenna is rattled and trembling. Her hand shakes as she brings the glass of red wine to her lips and breathes in deeply. She sets the glass down on the coffee table and her wedding ring glints back at her like a greeting, like the greeting of an old friend. Her heart beats in her chest and she wonders if this is what it feels like being punched in the face by an unwanted reality.

Being an actress is like playing dress-up, and characters are like articles of clothing. She can slip in and out of one character for hours at a time and then take it off. The question is, though, how does Jenna escape being herself right now? How does she shed _Jenna Kieran-Rayburn's_ skin? How does she escape this big shift in everything she knows to be true – in her autobiography? More importantly, how does Max escape this? He can't. He's a happy six-year-old child that likes to laugh and play and he has no idea that his short life will change.

There are some lies in the sins of the father following the child because Max is not Ben. Yes, they are father and son, and joined at the hip but Max is not his father. However, in some ways, Max has his father's quirks and little habits and it makes Jenna smile. But they are different people. After all, Max is fifty-percent her as well. It doesn't stop Jenna from worrying when Maxis twelve and an inquisitive pre-teen. Or, even worse: when he is sixteen.

Her head throbs, and Jenna drinks the rest of the red wine to stop the throbbing. She cannot begin to process this or remotely understand. She loves getting this house, and remembers when she & Ben buy it together, moving from their little two bedroom apartment. Jenna remembers when Ben carries through the threshold and when months after, he looks at her and realizes she is pregnant before she does. Max hits his head on the coffee table, resulting in a scar covered up by his mop of hair. He cuts his knees or elbows more times than Ben or Jenna can count and there is that alarming time Max gives himself a mild concussion from climbing a tree – all because her baby boy grows up to be this sweet boy with an adventurous spirit.

The memories play in her head like a movie, but when Ben finally comes home, Jenna looks at him and realizes, this is not her movie. It's not hers – not anymore, and it never will be again.

This is funny in a sad, kind of way. Jenna lies for entertainment. She feels like she should have some foresight. But, she's just an actress – someone that gets paid to play pretend, not psychic.

Maybe Ben is a better liar, and Jenna just overestimated him.

::

The wine is crappy because Jenna's nerves are still shot.

It's not about deciding whether this secret is true or not. It's not even about if the circumstances behind it exist, because according to Kelly, it's just as she says: Ben kills a man. Ben takes another human life. It sounds so final, so concrete. However, the idea is still foreign in Jenna's mind. She doesn't want to question him now because all Jenna wants is to stupidly be with her husband. The secret doesn't exist. Kelly doesn't exist, and the accidental moment where Dean kisses her doesn't because of his grief is non-existent too.

Jenna greets Ben with a kiss when all she wants to do is scream and rip him to pieces.

"Jenna," he says, when he slowly pulls away. Max inherits his father's eyes and the kindness in them. She discreetly sniffles, placing her hands on his, the ones gently holding her face. "Hey, what's wrong?"

"I just –" Jenna pauses and attempts to find some truth in what she is about to say, because there is. That is how actors make it through a monologue – by finding some truth in the dialogue to put some realism in it. No matter how much she wants to run away in the opposite direction screaming. "I missed you. I just missed you. That's all."

"I'm not going anywhere. I promise."

"That's a relative term," Jenna says, searching his eyes with her own. "Promise."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Absolutely nothing, Ben. It means nothing."

Her husband, _her Ben_, is right here. Jenna allows him to pull her into his arms and she sighs against his chest. She can't eat. She's not hungry – actually far from it. Jenna realizes she must be something of a sadist, but all the same, she wants to add one more nice memory before sunrise. Jenna wants something to hold on to so she remembers the beautiful past. Tomorrow, Jenna will become frustrated with the incoming present and fears an uncertain future.

::

The egg rolls, noodles and fortune cookies aren't what she wants, Jenna realizes. What she wants is the truth. Jenna wants the truth, more specifically from Ben. They make love and know each other so well when it comes to that that it's a second language, an art bred of pure passion in that moment. Ben gazes at her with such love and desire that it makes Jenna's heart race like the very first time they make love and whispers her name in the dark. He knows her body like a road map to a place of bliss they have travelled down before. Jenna selfishly doesn't want this to end but it will.

Ben falls asleep afterwards with his arm falling lazily across her side and her hazel eyes are wide open and glance at the digital clock, glowing 11:24 pm. It's on the brink of a new day, a new start and Jenna is hanging there in stasis. Gently moving Ben's arm, Jenna slips out from under her it and under the sheets to grab a light robe on the floor. She slips on the silk robe, tying the sash so she is no longer naked. Closing her eyes, she runs a hand through her honey brown hair and exhales a breath that long sits on her chest.

"Damnit, Ben…what have you done to us?" she whispers, glancing at the ring set on her hand.

Kelly's voice and this truth bomb runs through her mind and all of a sudden, Jenna feels suffocated. Ben is peacefully sleeping for once, not plagued by his nightmares because those nightmares have probably been leeched onto her. She doesn't want to test that theory out. She can't reconcile the two: her husband and the man capable of…that. Her life with Ben and Max is like jigsaw puzzle with every piece fitting easily. Now, Jenna is left pounding that one jigsaw piece puzzle into a spot she wants to fit but can't.

Instead, Jenna pads across the room to exit and decides that she will study her script and immerse herself in being her character for this new movie, based on a book by Jodi Picoult called _Sing You Home_. Art really does imitate life.

Zoey Baxter and Jenna Wright-Rayburn each have to face some truths – very different but equally very hard.

::

_I, Jenna, take you Benjamin, as my lawfully wedded husband – _

Coffee. Jenna makes coffee to stay awake because she doesn't want to fall asleep and lose her resolve. She doesn't want sleep to soften the resolve she has made to take Max and go to New York. It's the only sane decision to make even though there is no confirmation or denial. She needs to see her family. She needs to regroup and get away. Max will be happy to see his grandparents anyway.

Jenna is already imagining her pristine white wedding dress stained with crimson and blood on her hands she's struggling to wash off but cannot.

She awakes with a start, running her hands over her arms to stop the gooseflesh on her skin. Yes, she nods off on the kitchen island.

This is the part that nags at Jenna, though: if Kelly doesn't tell her and Ben does, would she stay with him anyway and stand by her man? Maybe, maybe not, Jenna thinks. Either way she is terrified of the sunrise. It means yesterday is gone and it means the love she has for Ben yesterday, isn't there today. At least, she thinks so. It's not gone. It never will be and she hates that but it's very different.

Emotional uncertainty of this capacity is new for her.

::

Jenna spends the entire night, filling this script with highlighter marks, Post-It Notes and little notes written in the margins. She spends her night, studying, becoming Zoey Baxter – understanding this character's motivations, her convictions and her struggles. The coffee is black and leaves Jenna with a really bitter aftertaste. There is a certain accomplishment in filling her memory with another person's expenses.

The buzzing of her iPhone sound loud in a silent kitchen, and Jenna frowns because it's seven in the morning. She answers, with a screen slide of her finger.

"Meredith, hey…" Jenna answers in the middle of a yawn. "You realize it's about seven in the morning, right?"

"Yes, I do – but as your agent and big - well, oldest sister, I'm here for you. Here's the deal. This movie is slated to make it big at the box office, babe. There's a cast party in Manhattan to get everyone acquainted, and then shooting starts two weeks after that. I'm sending you your shooting schedule as we speak, and there is a selection of gowns I've sent to the stylist for you to try on later –"

"Meredith, Meredith – I'm sorry, I can't think of this right now. It's early. I'm in the middle of this script and frankly, I'm exhausted. I love you, but I can't," Jenna cut off her sister, gently. When her vision becomes blurry, she blinks the tears back. She can't think of stylists, agents, publicists, interviews and press. "I'll check that shooting schedule and call you."

"What's going on with you? I'm asking as your sister right now – not as your agent. I spoke to Kelly the other night and things are off."

"Nothing," Jenna sighs, combing her fingers through her hair in slight exasperation. She knows that's a lie because everything is wrong and will never be right again. "Nothing's wrong. I'm just tired from studying this script."

"Jenna Marie, don't lie to me…"

"I can do the middle name thing too, Meredith _Alice_…"

Meredith sighs, and relents, "Fine. I give. I won't push. Go get some rest and kiss that handsome nephew of mine for me. Tell Ben I say welcome home."

"Thanks. I love you – you know that, right?"

"Yeah," Meredith replies. "And ditto, sis."

Jenna hangs up and walks over the window. The sky is changing slowly as the sun rises. It looks like a rainbow – purples, reds, oranges, blues, and pinks on the edge. It's a slow explosion of colour happening on the most natural canvas. The distant chirping of birds reaches Jenna's ears as a neighbour jogs by and she envies that stranger for their nonchalance. It's a new day. It's a new start – not the one she wants, but it has to be done. For Max, it has to be this way.

With a breath Jenna hopes is cleansing, she lists all of the things she has to do today: go grocery shopping, pick her guitar from the music store because the strings are broken, pick up the dry cleaning, waiting for Denise to drop Max off from his sleepover – or Ben can do that, take new head shots, RSVP that Manhattan cast party, call Gina her publicist…

Jenna gets herself ready and will deal with Ben later.

::

Things officially go to hell a couple hours later.

It's hilariously sad how well she knows this man when the truth is Jenna doesn't know Ben at all.

"I think it's cute – the way Kelly likes to call you Benji," Jenna says, bringing her cup of chai tea to her lips. She is strangely calm because of the confused look on Ben's face, as he pours himself a cup of coffee.

"Why would you… Jenna, what's going on?"

She crosses her jean clad legs under the kitchen island and sets the mug down, cupping it in her hands. It heat up her palms and maybe, it's the anger she can feel heating them instead. It's a nervous tick that she does when Jenna sits in auditions or is getting over stage fright – but she taps a beat on the marble surface of the kitchen island before Jenna drops everything on Ben's lap. It's like watching him hold a live grenade before it explodes.

"She came here, Ben. She told me and I know. I know everything, so you can stop lying to me!" Jenna explodes after a night of thought, wondering, ruminating, and crying. Eight years of marriage of marriage and four years of dating is circling the drain. She forgets about the chai tea because she's not calm. Jenna's furious. She's hurt. She's repulsed and has no idea what the hell this will do to Max in the short-term and long-term. "Who else knows besides Kelly, Ben?"

"Jenna…" Ben says, tentatively. His coffee is long forgotten. "There's a lot you need to hear."

She raises an eyebrow, and shakes her head, "Oh, I got an earful from Kelly. I did – the whole story. She was oh so happy to enlighten me because I apparently I don't know who I married. I've been looking through rose-coloured glasses, so you know what? I should send Kelly a fruit basket and flowers to say thank you," she says, sarcastically before she rages, again. "Are you freaking kidding me, Ben? Do you know how this will impact our son? You could lose your medical license for this! Chris, I mean, he's your twin. He's your brother and if he did something this destructive, I would be nonchalant! Hell, I'd have a laugh! But _you_?" Jenna's cheeks flush red, with bottled up anger. It's messy and Jenna doesn't know what to do with it.

"Kelly came here?" Ben questions, with anger of his own. "She came here. And you let her in?"

"You wanted me to kick her out when she was telling me the truth?" Jenna shot back. "I was in denial. I told her vehemently that you didn't do this! I thought it was revenge because Dean kissed me – "

"Dean did _what_? Another man kisses you and as your husband, I don't know about it?"

Jenna glares, and her eyes are cold to match the ice in her tone, "You _killed_ somebody, Ben. Another man kissing me because he was sad about his dead son and what you did are not the same."

"I know. They aren't. I'm sorry," Ben replies. "Just let me explain and make you understand. Please. I hate myself for this and I battle with it. Jenna, I'm still the guy you married. "

She sighs, and the softness of his tone hurts her. Jenna needs to move. She needs to run errands and keep her mind occupied. If it is a nightmare and she cannot wake up automatically, Jenna will force herself to wake up. "Ben…" she trails off, too tired to be furious or angry or anything, "You never answered my question. Who else knows? You, at least, owe me that."

Ben pauses, before looking at her again. Her wedding rings feel like something that shouldn't be there all of a sudden. They feel like shackles, like a foreign appendage.

"Kelly, obviously."

"Yeah," Jenna sniffles, and pushes the tears back again so she doesn't ruin her makeup. "Obviously."

She can see Ben discreetly flinch at that statement. It's true and real and someone has to say it. Of course, Kelly is the go-to person to confide in. Of course, Kelly is the one Ben can tell all his deep, dark secrets to because she is sweetness and light. Kelly is the only one who understands anything. Jenna fights the urge to roll her eyes as she looks into her husband's eyes for the rest of the truth from her perch on the stool at the kitchen island.

"My mom knows. And Chris – he knows."

"What?" Jenna's eyebrows furrow with confusion. "I can understand Audrey knowing. Why Chris?"

"Maybe because he really knows me. Maybe it's because he's the only one that can actually steal my identity and be successful because we're identical twins…" Ben stops rambling. He does that when he's nervous and feeling awkward. Jenna still finds that quirk endearing and wishes she didn't. "He got it out of me because he knows I'm an awful liar – not just because he's an attorney."

"You're an awful liar? You don't say," Jenna replies, tone dripping with sarcasm. "Does Glen know?"

"No," Ben answers, with a sad shake of his head. "My dad doesn't know."

"Does Amy know?" Jenna asks again. Amy is Ben's older sister with about six years between them.

"No. She doesn't know either."

"You chose to keep your father and sister in the dark which is your choice. It's your choice and it's up to them how they will react, but me? I'm your wife. I took vows with you, not Kelly! I'm the mother of your son – your only child. You couldn't come to me? Why the hell couldn't you let me in? This affects me!"

"Damnit, Jenna… if I told you, you would have reacted. Just like this!"

"Are you serious right now?" Jenna hops off the stool and placing her hands on her hips. "Did you just say that to me? I'm an actress, if you're just realizing that! I know things are not black and white. I interpret actions and scenes for a living! You went to her, my sister! God, I can't look at you. You don't get it…" she cuts herself off, and grabbing her purse and car keys. Jenna stalks past Ben, the heels of her boots clicking steadily down the hall towards the front door, but he's right behind her and grabs her arm, stopping her from leaving. "Let go of me, Ben. Let…go. I have things to do. I hate you right now. I can't even..."

"Fine," Ben throws his hands up in surrender. Jenna notes he's wearing the black and red plaid shirt she gives him for Christmas and he looks really cute in it. She always loves jeans on him too. "But we have to talk about this."

Jenna combs a hand through her honey brown tresses. "We need space, Ben. I need to process this. I haven't had time. One night isn't enough. I don't know if it will ever be enough to be honest," she wipes away a tear, tinted black with her eyeliner but does not care. That's the beauty of being a model in a photo shoot and being in front of cameras. Sometimes, falling apart is okay because in front of a camera, it becomes the best damn performance of an actor's career. A little smudged eyeliner is nothing in the grand scheme of things. She _wishes_ smudged makeup is her only worry.

"Space? We just made love last night. Despite Kelly telling you this, you made love to me."

"Ben," Jenna says, grabbing his bigger hand in her smaller one. "I made love to you, because I love you – that's it. There was no hidden agenda. I wanted to feel close to you and it was beautiful," her voice takes on a broken whisper, as Ben reaches out and strokes her cheek. "I swear to God, I love you."

And Jenna hates herself for that. She really does, and is part repulsed with herself.

"Then meet me in Genoa City. Like we planned before I left."

Jenna places her hand on his – the one on her face, "God laughs whenever we plan anything. I… I can't," she holds his hand, and then drops it and she notes the hurt look in his face. "Maybe while Max and I are in New York with my parents, I'll wake up decide to meet you in Genoa City, but not now. As I said, I need distance."

"When do you leave?"

"I'm meeting Meredith there next week – or at least, I'm planning to. I have this new movie starting up, this cast party in Manhattan and my parents miss Max…"

"Yeah, yeah…I get it. Max has been wanting to ride in a yellow New York City cab anyway."

Jenna chuckles, genuinely. "Yeah," she nods, in agreement. "He asked me if Broadway existed in the closet like Narnia if he went in deep enough."

"That kid and his wild imagination," Ben sighs, with a half-smile in her direction.

Jenna returns it with a smile of her own. "Time," she says, looking into his eyes. There is the urge to twist her wedding rings around but Jenna fights it. "I need that. You'll give that to me to make some decisions. Leah's gonna drop Max off in a couple of hours from his sleepover. Can you take him for his haircut?"

"He hates haircuts, Jenna."

"You're Superhero Daddy. You'll have better luck," she rebuts, and pauses, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. "Max loves you, you know."

"I know. And I love him."

Jenna knows – she knows what the connection between a parent and a child is. It's the feeling Jenna gets when Max runs to her, throwing his arms around her neck. It's the feeling Jenna gets as Max falls asleep on their bed underneath Ben's arm, who falls asleep soon after. It's why she admires her in-laws and really, the fact that Ben becomes a doctor like his mother and Amy joins the police like their father – who happens to be the Police Chief. Christopher is the only one that colours outside of the lines and becomes an attorney – something in-between a doctor and a police officer of sorts.

She understands the connection between a parent and child – because like Ben, she is the youngest and the babies of their families.

"I know… I know…"

(Here is the honest-to-God truth, though: Max is her child. Max is _her_ baby, and Jenna will protect him by any means necessary – even if protecting him forever from his dad's mistake.)

::

Jenna kisses Ben goodbye and leaves their house. Maybe, for one of the last times, and Jenna has to be strong enough to that.

It's the only thing that makes sense right now – to leave before she falls apart in front of Ben, and lets him pick up the jagged, sharp pieces.

::

_I came in like a wrecking ball  
Yeah, I just closed my eyes and swung  
Left me crashing in a blazing fall  
All you ever did was wreck me  
Yeah, you, you wreck me_

* * *

**A/N: **This is my first time writing something like this. This character is virtually off-screen and may only be seen in flashbacks, so my representation of her may be wrong. Please give me honest feedback to let me know how I did. I feel like I did all I can do and now, I'm putting out there in the virtual universe.

Feedback is love.

As always, it's appreciated, and I'm always in awe by the fact that people want to read my brain junk and find it remotely interesting. I tweaked things

-Erika


End file.
